he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
