mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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