you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
