i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
