Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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