Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
