he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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