i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
