omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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