I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
