Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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