i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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