dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
