I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
