Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Randomize
