My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
