ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
