i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
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