I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
