I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
