Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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