Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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