Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
