I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Randomize
