My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
