You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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