TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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