Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Please don't give away my fajitas
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
