3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
