90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
