I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
