You really coming over, don't trick.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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