I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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