woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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