im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Randomize
