I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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