he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
