he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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