Please, let me fuck your mom
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
