someone threw a dead crab at me
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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