I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I just had sex on a roof
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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