you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
