I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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