Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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