Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Found the puke drawer
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
