I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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