Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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