I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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