Where did you get a picture of my penis
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
