but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
