Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
A bitchslap is in order.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
